I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
