Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Randomize
