you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
