At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
