On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
