I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
