I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
