I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
