Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
