Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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