Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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