so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
