so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
