I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
