my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
