I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize