if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
