so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
