He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
