just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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