I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
