fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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