I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize