There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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