I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
