She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
