i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
