Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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