you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
