Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
