He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
