i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
