I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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