Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
