I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Randomize
