His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
