So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
