Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
