I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
