wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
