I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
