I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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