my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
