i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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