why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize