this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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