your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
We are two peas in an std pod
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
