Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
