Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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