i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm getting married
To pizza
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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