and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
