I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
