I CAN MOONWALK!
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
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