i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
