ya dads aren't the best wingmen
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
