so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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