He disabled his match.com account in front of me
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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