I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Randomize
