she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
