He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
