Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
