There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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