i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
it glows. i had to have it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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