Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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