I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
