Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Randomize
