Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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