My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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