i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
