I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize