nut hugger
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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