There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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