i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
