forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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